Brotherhood of Charles I: Chapter VI: Ashley in Love

Chapter VI: Ashley in Love

We stood and walked out the door and down the hall, turning once at the end of the hall and again at the patient reception desk. We passed through three double doors, and on the way I noticed a door to a really big room that looked like a gym as I passed it by. After the third double door, we turned right into the dining hall. I realized then just how hungry I was, and I was glad to be at lunch. I promised myself then that I would not get kicked out of the lunchroom, and also that I would sort this thing with Ashley, Guy and me out before lunch was over. It would take some doing, but I could do it.

I found a particularly good-looking series of sandwiches in the lunch line. Each had meat, sauerkraut, lettuce and something that just looked good. I got two of them, and sat down, my stomach grumbling. My first bite painfully reminded me of what George had told me that morning about the food. He was proven right, again. I was starving, but I didn’t finish my two sandwiches. Instead I went back to the lunch line and got two golden delicious apples and an orange. Somehow, they were not as good as the ones I ate at home. That wasn’t surprising; even at my high school, the fruit was never quite as good as you could get from Harris Teeter- and the lunch ladies at my high school could cook pretty well. But this was a good step or two below mediocre inexpensive fruit. This was just bad.

The orange really wasn’t very juicy- it was kind of doughy, actually- but the apple was clearly an apple. I didn’t actually get full eating; I lost interest somewhere between the initial mortally hungry and the final no longer starving.

I had been so hungry that I barely realized Ashley and I were sitting alone together until I had quit (not really finished) eating.

“You know Guy’s nuts about you,” I said. I looked over to the other end of the table, where everyone was sitting near the window, but no one was listening.

“I know,” she said.

“Why don’t you go out with him?”

“I don’t want to go out with him,” she said.

“Why not? He’s got the heart of a lion.”

“Josh, he’s… I’m scared of him, Josh. He’s dangerous.”

“He’s not dangerous,” I said dismissively.

“He is.” She had stopped eating, and was now toying with her food. “He tried to kill my x-boyfriend- and you heard what he said. What was it, ‘I wish I’d killed him?’ ”

“He had a good reason.”

“Josh, there’s never a good reason for violence. If you study Wicca very long, you’re going to have to learn to live by the Rede yourself. As it harm none, do what you will, Josh. Harm none.” She emphasized the last two words. “Besides,” she said, poking at her sandwich, “I’m not really interested in anyone right now.”

“Are you going to eat that?” I asked her.

“Why, you want it?”

“No,” I said. “It’s just, you didn’t eat anything.”

“Oh Lord,” she said. “You know George used to say the same thing, but Roy nearly put him in quiet time for giving pity parties. You’ve got to be careful what you say in here, Josh.”

“So it would seem.”

“But Josh,” she said, “you do understand, don’t you? I mean, if I were to go out with anyone, it would be you.”

She looked up at me. I dropped the orange back on my plate, which led to the realization that I’d been playing with it. Her eyes were sincere, and I suddenly wanted to be somewhere else. I loved Jessica, not Ashley.

Worse, I suddenly realized Guy was listening in on us. I had to think for myself, here, though, and I had to hurry because Ashley was waiting. I didn’t want to go out with Ashley, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

“Well?” she said.

She almost took me in with that. She’d been fearless in bringing it up, and I admired her courage. Most girls would never have risked that much. Neither would have most guys. Nor would have I. I almost wanted to go out with her, but I knew that then I’d have to break up with her when I was back home and it would mean something that could come between me and Jessica. So I’d made up my mind.

“I can’t, Ashley. I’m sorry.”

She stood, looking pale, and quickly walked over to where everyone else was eating without saying anything.

“I’m gonna go sit with Josh so he’s not all alone,” I heard Guy say from the window, and he stood and came to sit on my right, toward the window.

“What are you thinking?” he said to me. I looked into his earnest face. “I love that girl,” he continued, “and I would do anything to see her happy.”

“I’m just not attracted to her like that,” I began.

“So lie! Do you see how upset she is? She hasn’t looked like that since she recovered. Personally, you’re making a big mistake. Ask her out.”

Everyone at the window was standing.

“Anyone not done?” said Roy. He paused as we all said no. “Good,” he said. “Then let’s go.”

“Please,” said Guy, and he stood. He walked to the window for dishes and brought his tray there. I followed him. As we filed out the door we’d come in, I stayed at the back, near Ashley.

“Ashley,” I said. “I’m sorry. You’re a nice girl, and I think I could give you a chance, if you still want to go out.”

“Then will you go to prom with me, when we get out?” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.

“You’re going to make a great boyfriend,” she said, a bit too loud for my comfort. I was worried Roy would hear, but he was busy talking to George. “Okay?”

“Sure,” I said.

She smiled at me and walked to the front of the line, beaming again like usual. I was glad I had not hurt her. It had gone well. She was feeling better. But all the same, I did not want to go out with her. What could it hurt, though? It would mean I couldn’t go to prom with Jessica. That probably wouldn’t happen anyway.

It was still somewhat unfair to me though. I loved Jessica. I wanted her. I belonged to her. I did not love Ashley. I loved Jessica. I loved Jessica, and she… did she still love me? I wasn’t sure at this point. Our last conversation had made me question that. But there was only one way to find out: I had to call her. Then, and only then, could I have closure on my relationship with her, and only then could I know what was the right choice for me to make. If she still loved me, nothing, nothing could stop me from going to prom with her.

We wound up going back to the common room for midday group, which was on role models. We talked about the qualities we liked in people, who embodied these qualities the best, and who our role models were. Guy’s role models, I’ll always remember, were Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson, for their skill, as well as Miyamato Musashi, the famous swordsman who once fought off hundreds of others at once single-handedly. I had known this name, and I wound up asking several questions about his past because he was also my spirit guide.

Ashley’s role model was Edain McCoy, whom I’d never heard of before- a Wiccan author of Wiccan books, she said. She said Mrs. McCoy’s warm heart came across in her writing in a way she could not explain. She also cited Buddha.

George said he didn’t have any role models, but when he was threatened with quiet time, he thought of some pretty fast. I wasn’t sure how honest he was being- I thought the original answer fitted him more- but he said his dad because his dad was strong and took charge.

“I thought you didn’t like your dad,” said Roy.

George gave him a look that said “Take it or leave it” and said, “I do look up to him, though.”

“You can do better. Come on.”

“I like Jesus and Buddha,” he said, “because they are highly spiritual and can take anything that comes their way.”

“Good,” said Roy. “Next?”

I was the only person left in group besides him, and I had had plenty of time to come up with something. While I’d been thinking, I’d considered all the people whom I’d known over the years, but strangely, no one was as much in my heart that day as the people right in front of me. So I said, “Mrs. Joy and George.”

George’s head swiveled around.

“And why is that?”

“Because Mrs. Joy is really nice and everyone likes her, plus she seems like she cares about us. And George for the same kind of thing: he’s been nice to me since I woke up this morning, and he doesn’t seem too proud or temperamental. I guess it’s because they’re both just nice people.”

“Well said Hammonds,” said Roy.

“Thank you,” whispered George.

“You have something to say, George?”

“Yes,” said George, louder. “I wanted to thank Josh. He’s been a good friend to me.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“Both of you have been talking out of turn,” said Roy. “Watch your behavior.”

We talked a little more, and then we went to the classroom. I waited a while doing nothing but drawing and writing poetry in an attempt to escape Ashley’s attention, then got sidetracked on instructions in martial arts and magic from Musashi. It must have been 45 minutes later or longer when I finally brought up my question to Mrs. Joy.

“Mrs. Joy,” I said, “can I call my x-girlfriend?”

“You’ll have to get the counselor’s permission first,” she said.

“What do you want to call her for?” burst out Ashley.

“Is something going on here?” said Mrs. Joy.

“No ma’am,” said Ashley.

“Ashley wants to go out with me,” I said, “but I want to talk to my x-girlfriend before I do. Settle a few things.”

“You’re not allowed to date in here,” said Mrs. Joy. “Don’t try to.”

“Well we can once we’re out,” said Ashley.

“That’s true,” said Mrs. Joy. “So when you’re out, you can then.”

“And I’m not going to go out with someone who’s hanging on to someone else,” she said. “Josh, you don’t call her, or no more lessons, and no prom.”

That made me mad. I hadn’t wanted to go out with her in the first place. I started to answer, but before I could get a sound out, Mrs. Joy spoke up.

“Don’t you think that’s a little harsh, Ashley?” said Mrs. Joy.

“You’re doing the same thing with him you did with your last boyfriend, Ashley,” said George.

If I wasn’t honest with her now, this could go on a long time. But I didn’t want to hurt Ashley’s feelings.

“I know,” she said, “and I know it’s a problem, but I can’t help it. I’m a love junkie. “

“I value your friendship, Ashley,” I said, “and I don’t want to lose it.”

“Well,” she said.

“And I don’t want to give up our lessons either,” I said. “I’ve learned so much.”

I had made up my mind. I was going to be honest with her, and keep her as a friend. “Now listen.

“I really, really value your friendship.” She was looking at me in horror now. “And I have a lot of respect for you. But I’m in love with someone else, Ashley.”

“How dare you!” she said.

“Ashley, listen to him,” said Mrs. Joy.

“Guy thought I should go out with you. He cares deeply about you. He’s the one you should go out with, not me.”

“So you said yes because of him?”

“Yes.”

“Well it’s your choice, I guess. I already told you my terms.” She didn’t look like it was settled, though.

“I want to stay friends,” I said.

“Josh, I can’t. I can’t. I want it all or nothing at all. Maybe you’re not the one for me, but I can’t keep talking to you if I can’t have you for my own. I’m sorry, Josh. Maybe you’re just not the nice guy I thought you were, but we can’t keep talking. It would probably be better if we just didn’t talk to each other anymore.”

That hurt. I suddenly felt a lot of regret and anxiety. I did not want to lose her friendship. I had to make up with her.

“I’m sorry, Ashley,” I said. “I really like you as a friend, you’re a wonderful person, and I don’t want to stop talking.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“I’m sorry, Ashley. You’re a wonderful girl, and I don’t want you to feel bad, okay?”

The door opened in the middle of my sentence, and Roy came in.

“Hey!” he said. “No pity parties, got it?”

“She’s upset, though. I…”

“If you have a problem with it I can separate you from the rest of the group and you can sit outside while the rest of us play video games in the rec room. Your call, buddy.”

As we walked to the rec room, a little room next to the dining hall, I felt seriously drained. I wanted to help Ashley, but the counselors made it hard to do much of anything. Besides which, I was tired of trying to please Ashley. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was better if we just stopped talking. I was sick of the whole thing anyway. I certainly wasn’t good for her. So let it be like that. I would stop talking to her. I’d even avoid her, as hard as that would be when there were only four of us.

The rec room was an array of tables with tons of junk cast over them- knick knacks and art supplies: some finger paint, a few paint pallets, tins of markers, crayons, colored pencils and oil pastels, pieces of drawing paper, a few metal objects I didn’t recognize, et cetera. In the front of the room was a TV with a game system.

As I sat down at a table, Ashley sat down across from me. She looked at me a second, then started.

“I’m sorry, Josh,” she said. “I really lost it back there, and I’m sorry.”

I didn’t answer. I wanted to, but I was irritated and I had no clue what to say.

“I was just being immature,” she said. “I think you were right, I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

“I thought you were right,” I said.

“I’m sorry.”

There was a pause.

“Friends?” she said.

“Sure.”

She showed me how to draw, and we went on to have a pleasant conversation.

Most of the time everyone else was playing video games, but I could see Guy stealing hard glances at me. Whatever it was he didn’t approve of, he seriously did not approve. I found out forty five minutes later, an hour after we’d entered the rec room, as we went into gym.

“I’m worried you’ll hurt Ashley again,” he said.

We had turned left outside the rec room, toward the dining hall. We had just reached one set of locked double doors, when we turned into a little wood door dwarfed by the room inside. Guy said his bit as we were passing into the gym.

“Come on,” he said, nodding his head toward a corner.

I followed him.

The gym was a huge square room, with a ceiling that must have been a hundred fifty feet off the floor. There were huge plain glass windows halfway up the ceiling, spanning several dozen feet. As I looked at them, I had the strong desire to be outside.

There was a door outside at the corner in the far end near the mental institution reception desk, undoubtedly locked, and a basketball net to its left in the center of the rear wall. There was a closet halfway along the right hand wall which Guy and I were headed toward.

He stopped in the corner.

“I don’t want you hurting Ashley again,” he said. “She’s sensitive, and she doesn’t need any trouble.”

“I don’t think it will be a problem,” I said. “I think we’ve sorted things through now.”

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

“You’d better know if you’re going to keep talking to her. Don’t you know what she’s in here for?”

“Yeah.”

“If she does that again because of you, I will kill you.”

“I don’t think it will be a problem.”

“Don’t keep talking to her, man.”

“I don’t think it will be a problem,” I repeated.

“I do. Are you going to listen or not?”

“I’m, I’m going to keep talking to her,” I said.

“Avoid her.”

I looked him in the eye. “No.”

He looked behind him to make sure Roy and John weren’t watching, then got close to my face and whispered, “You take your pick. You stop talking to her, or I’ll beat you to a bloody pulp. Your choice.”

He turned and started walking away.

I wondered if he’d be able to do that. He was a martial artist, but then, it seemed like we could barely go two feet without counselors watching our every step in here. Regardless, I wasn’t scared of him. What could he do- kill me, slice me up, flog me, maybe maim me? All but the first I had already done to myself, and as for my own death, I had given it plenty of serious thought over the last year. I wasn’t afraid to die. I was at the point now where neither life nor death really bothered me- I just knew I wanted out of here because there was something about the place I could not stand. The very air I breathed seemed to be a counselor screaming at me or taking me down or using that calm voice that just exhumed the words, “I am in power, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Guy didn’t really bother me, though. In a way, he reminded me of myself when I’d almost committed suicide. He was desperate. Really desperate. And in that moment suddenly the fear that was absent except in small degrees was replaced wholly by pity and compassion. I didn’t want to get Guy kicked out or sent to jail. He was just another face in the crowd of the lost. He had had a rough time. He needed help.

I thought wryly about what the first group had been on because that was exactly what I was going to do: help Guy get rid of his baggage.

I reminded myself that even if he did kill me, I’d only be with God, his angels and Musashi my new friend from Heaven, and I strolled after Guy. Eventually he realized I was walking after him, and he turned to stop and talk to me.

“What?” he said.

“I want to help you get out of trouble,” I said.

“That’s beyond your power,” he said.

“I might be able to help,” I said.

“How?” he said.

“Why don’t we talk about it?” I said. “You want to sit down?”

“No I don’t want to sit down; if you got something to say, then say it.”

“Well, it’s like, you have this temper, and it gets you in all this trouble….”

“Boy, I can’t get in any more trouble than I’m already in.”

“I bet you could,” I said.

“Yeah? How?”

“You could get two life sentences,” I said.

He snorted. “Probably will.”

“Or you could get the death penalty.”

“Can’t happen. I’m a minor.”

“Not now. But if you keep like you’re going, your life will only get harder and…”

“Shut up! What are you, my shrink?”

“Is there a problem with you two?” hollered Roy. “Split up, now, or you can both be out of here.”

“Yes sir,” I said.

“Yeah, sure,” said Guy.

We looked at each other a moment. He glanced at Roy, who must have had his back turned, and then made as if to hit me. I didn’t flinch.

Then we both turned around and I walked off. I could see him heading toward the door as I turned; when I turned back around from the goal net, I could see him staring outside.

I shot some baskets as I thought on what had happened. It was frustrating. The guy would not accept any help any time soon, that was clear. The idiot was even trying to bully me for helping him. Why was I helping him again?

And somewhere there in the back of my mind was that little voice: “He’s just like you. Help him.” It was not like a being, but like some part of me.

“Should I keep helping him?” I asked Musashi mentally.

“Yes,” said Musashi. “He’ll come around. Ask him in evening group.”

“Thank you, Musashi,” I said to him mentally. “Will his life improve?”

“No. But he’ll always be grateful to you for trying.”

That warmed my heart, and decided my mind. I would continue trying to help Guy. I would take it up in evening group. Come to think of it, that made a lot of sense. There would be counselors regulating our discussion there. He would have to watch what he said and he’d be forced to consider my points. Good idea, I thought. I thanked Musashi again.

I whiled away most of my time in gym talking to George. George was a good conversationalist, and very good at listening. I could tell he thought some of the things I said were crazy, but he didn’t usually say so. I got a kick out of the way he thought my Musashi was a hallucination. It was funny, for some reason, and also exciting. If only he knew.

After gym, we went to eat dinner. I sat with George, and Ashley sat with Guy. Probably better that way; I needed Guy to be calm when I talked to him, not dead set on killing me.

In group, which was in the common room, George held the clipboard and recorded how we felt on a scale of one to ten. Amy, John and Roy were all there.

“I’m a ten,” said Amy.

“Be honest,” said Roy, half jokingly.

“I am,” said Amy. “I feel great. I’m going on a date tonight. Going out to Ruby Tuesday’s.”

“Well I guess you would be a ten then,” said Roy.

“Who’s holding the clipboard?” said George.

“All right, I’ll shut up,” said Roy good naturedly.

Next was George himself, beside me, and he said, “I’m a seven.”

“I’m a three,” I said. I was worried about Guy, and I didn’t want to be here.

Guy was next. “One,” he said.

“Make sure you check in with a counselor before you leave,” said George.

The counselors burst out laughing.

“You’re a natural, George,” said Amy.

It was as though they were so used to hearing about such severe problems that hearing someone so down did not even bother them anymore. I could see the care in the way Amy eyed Guy, but she didn’t seem all that worried. It was the same with the other two. I wished Mom and Dad had been that way with me when they’d found out. I didn’t want them to go through all this. It was my fight, and the further I got, the surer I was I had to fight it alone. No one could win it for me. It was something I had to do.

John was a nine, and so was Roy.

Ashley was a five.

“Hand me the clipboard?” said Amy.

George handed it to her, and she said, “The focus of tonight’s evening group is loss. We’ve all felt loss, and we’ve all had a hard time at some point in our lives. Raise your hands if you’ve ever felt loss. Everyone? Good. That’s honest. Now tonight’s group will also focus on stress. How many of you have ever stressed out before? Guy, you’ve never stressed out?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

Guy shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Okay,” said Amy. “Who would like to share an experience about stress or loss?”

Ashley raised her hand.

Amy pointed at her. “Yes, Ashley?”

“I felt stressed today, and I felt loss.”

“Why?”

“Because I screwed up big time with Josh. I guess I made some assumptions, and I kind of told him off. But I think we’re back to an understanding now, so it’s okay.” When she looked up, her face was her usual smile again.

Amy turned to me. “What do you think about this?”

“I think we’re back to an understanding, too,” I said.

“Have you felt any loss or stress today?” said Amy to me.

“Yes,” I said. “I felt stressed about Ashley, but I also felt stressed about Guy.” Perfect time, I thought. My heart was thudding. Suddenly I knew that Amy wasn’t going to support me. I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. “Guy tries to help people, but he helps them in all the wrong ways. I respect him, especially how he looks after Ashley- but he goes about it in all the wrong ways. He needs to learn appropriate conduct.”

“Josh,” said Amy, “everyone is here for needing to learn appropriate conduct, and not knowing how to function properly in society.”

Guy raised his hand, and Amy pointed to it. My heart gave a little kick in the instant before he spoke. I prayed that he would be kind in return.

“You want us to make you friends?” said Musashi in the back of my mind.

“Yes,” I thought.

“You will be soon,” he replied. “I can’t make him be a close friend, but I can put you two on good terms. I promise.”

All this nearly instantaneously; it was like a thought in the back of my head that seemed to come from somewhere else in a ball of thought, all at once. Then Guy spoke.

“Josh...” he began. “Look, I’m sorry man. I know I was wrong. I tried to control him, to get him to go out with Ashley and then to get him to stay away from her when he had hurt her feelings. I had no right to do that. Friends?”

I smiled. “Friends,” I said.

And the hellhole in which dark flames burned was suddenly lit by a candle of sacred light. I had helped someone. Suddenly things were brighter.

“Guy, if you did all that, trying to control him,” said Ashley- “I mean, being a bully like I know you must have been- you need to take a chill pill. I am scared of you. Chill out.”

I raised my hand, and Roy called on me. Amy shot him a faked dirty look with an irrepressible smile. The person with the clipboard was responsible for running group.

“Could you help him with that, Ashley?” I asked.

“Yeah, I guess- but only if he stops being volatile because of me.”

“Can you promise to do that, Guy?” I asked.

Amy was staring at me.

“I can promise I’ll try,” said Guy.

“Not good enough,” said Ashley.

“No talking out of turn,” hissed Amy. “And Josh, you’ve got the makings of a counselor someday.”

We all laughed.

“Amy’s got a favorite,” teased Roy.

“Hush,” said Amy.

And for a moment, a woman whom I barely knew had made my world easier. I felt really good for the first time all day. In a place where pure Hell knew no rest, for a moment I could bask in the sun of the heavens.

Guy raised his hand.

“Yes, Guy,” said John.

“I can’t promise I’ll never be violent again. I can only promise I’ll try.”

“You are in control of your own actions,” said Ashley.

“Don’t talk out of turn, Ashley,” said Amy. “I don’t want to have to send you out of group.”

“I’m sorry,” said Ashley.

Roy made a correcting sound in his throat, and Ashley covered her mouth up, laughing. She seemed to be in a better mood now- back to her carefree self.

Guy raised his hand. John called on him.

“You’re right, Ashley,” he said. “I promise.”

“Thank you,” said Ashley.

“Go sit outside group,” said John.

Ashley started to say something, but John cut her off. “Now.”

She got up and went outside group to sit in the chair outside the common room.

“Could she come back for two minutes to finish the discussion and then go sit outside group?” said Amy.

“If you want,” said John.

“Ashley, come back,” called Amy.

Ashley came back inside and sat down where she’d been sitting.

“If she talks out of turn again, though, she won’t stay,” said John.

“I won’t,” said Ashley.

“What are you doing now?”

Ashley didn’t answer.

“That’s better. Now, Amy, you were saying?”

I put my hand up.

“Yes, Josh?” said Amy.

“Ashley, could you help Guy try to learn to cool down?”

Ashley looked at John with an uncertain look.

A few seconds later Amy started laughing, bending over, in a funny sort of way, and we all burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry,” said Amy. “Go ahead Ashley.”

“Well,” said Ashley, “I think I could, yes, but I don’t know how- I guess I’ll just try when I can.”

“Thank you, Ashley,” said Amy, “that’s very nice of you.”

Guy raised his hand, and Roy called on him. Amy wiggled the clipboard toward Roy, and we all laughed again.

“I’m not worth it,” Guy said. “Ashley, I’m screwed over, and there’s nothing you can do. Don’t bother. I’m really not worth it.”

Ashley raised her hand, gave another look that would have left a wake of laughter had it not been for what Guy had just said, and spoke when John called on her.

“I care about you, Guy. I want to help you.”

“What do you have to say to that, Guy?” said Amy.

“My medicine makes me emotionally less stable,” he said. “Because of that, I might be able to get insanity. But I’m switching medicine, and things could get worse. I want you to all pardon me if I go crazy, because I’m going to be experimenting with my medicine, and it’s likely to get worse. So if it does, please, will you recognize that it’s not the real me?”

He sounded bordering on scared now.

“I promise,” said Ashley.

“Go sit outside group,” said Roy.

“But…”

“No second guessing,” said John. “Go.”

Ashley got up and left.

Amy looked like she didn’t like it, but she didn’t say anything.

“Can we promise?” she said after a pause.

“Yes ma’am,” we all said in chorus.

Roy grinned at John, though I didn’t know why. He winked at him, and I heard him whisper Amy’s name. I wondered what they were about.

During the rest of group, it settled in that I was darn glad I was not on medicine. I did not want to wind up like Guy. I’d make sure my parents weren’t going to put me on medicine after group. They were coming today, I was pretty sure of that. And it felt good.

After group I went to my room. It was the first moment I’d had to myself all day. I felt trapped, staring out the window. I wanted to be out there- outside. It seemed a whole world away, inaccessible. It was hard to imagine I’d ever be out there again, and yet I yearned for it so much.

I wanted to get my parents to take me home. I liked the people here, and I would miss them, but not like I missed being able to go where I wanted to go when I wanted to go.