Brotherhood of Charles I Chapter VIII: Visions of Two Types

Chapter VIII: Visions of Two Types

I woke up the next morning with a huge headache. I was barely conscious at all. I stumbled out of bed and half slept through breakfast, after which I stayed in a constant state of half-sleep.

I could sense God telling me in the back of my mind that things would be okay. I knew inside me this would be over tomorrow, though I couldn’t say how. I also felt as though something wasn’t right about God, but I didn’t know what.

I saw His face plastered to a car passing by at breakfast. I don’t know how I knew it was God’s face, especially because I knew I was hallucinating, but it clearly was. Something about it.

The few times I’d hallucinated in the past, I had freaked out. Now, however, it was simply something that was happening. I was too dead inside, too wasted, to care about what was happening around me or in my head. I felt like a zombie. No emotions either.

I realized at breakfast that I had taken my meds without even questioning the people giving them to me. I hadn’t even cared. I had stumbled to the cart and taken them, then stumbled to breakfast. It didn’t even bother me.

I didn’t care, for once, that Ashley had a crush on me, or that Guy had tried to intimidate me, or that these events were over, or that the counselors were bordering on being jerks. The fact that I was where I was did not bother me, either. In a hazy kind of way, nothing mattered. I didn’t care. I just had the strong desire to fall asleep.

Walking back from breakfast to morning group, I saw an angel, and two minutes later I saw Mom. She seemed to remind me of something, but it was hard to say what.

In group I could barely stay awake. Roy threatened to put me in quiet time, so I kept my head up. Then he threatened to put me in quiet time again because, as I realized, my head had fallen back into my lap and I had fallen back asleep. I was dimly sure, however, that he wasn’t really going to put me in quiet time. I think he understood that it was the medicine, and that therefore there was nothing I could do about it.

Mrs. Joy was very sympathetic in class. She asked me if she could do anything for me, but I told her I was just so tired, so she let me sleep. That felt really, really good. There’s something about sleeping when you’re exhausted and about getting to sleep when you wouldn’t normally that makes sleep so much more pleasurable.

I woke up what seemed like five minutes later to see Mrs. Joy at the chalkboard scratching her nails on it without noise, her face an expression of intense anger. A few seconds later she disappeared. Though I hadn’t known it was a hallucination, I still hadn’t freaked out. In the dim recesses of my mind I found this somewhat odd. I started to put my head back down to sleep, when I heard Roy telling me it was time for lunch. At first I thought it was a hallucination- it was dim, after all- but then I realized after the third or fourth time he called my name that I didn’t hear things, so I got up and walked after him. The rest of the group was waiting for me. It struck me as odd that there was someone there I didn’t know, someone who looked younger than myself, but I was too out of it to question why.

He had long black hair, glasses and a robust figure. I noticed he was eyeing me critically, but I couldn’t have cared less.

I followed them to lunch and put my head down. I barely even remember what happened. Truth be told, I really don’t remember lunch. I just remember leaving, and then things get foggy again. There’s a flash of a memory, enough to remind me that midday group was next, and that I was still very out of it.

Mrs. Joy let me sleep again. Towards the end of class she had me do jumping jacks to wake up, but that only helped temporarily. Still, for the brief time that I could think, I could recognize that there were now two new teenagers in our group, and I could also recognize that I was not hallucinating again.

Throughout the day, it was like I hallucinated every five minutes. Probably isn’t that far off.

I slept more in the recreation room. No one objected.

At Gym, we were supposed to be working together in volleyball- a group sport kind of thing. I kept missing the ball- in fact I distinctly remember that it hit me in the face several times. I also could barely stand up. To my surprise, Roy told me to go sit down and come back when I was ready. That was so awesome.

For a minute, I liked him.

The instant I sat down I was asleep. I was not aware of the passing of time at all. Someone woke me up, and I saw a halo around his head and light shining down on him, which made it hard to see who it was. I got up and muttered, “Jesus shines on us, dear friend.” I stumbled after him. His laughter came as though through a tunnel. The light faded. I recognized him as Roy.

I was hungry when I got to dinner. I don’t remember what I ate, but I know I ate a lot, and I know I conked out immediately afterward.

Evening group was much the same as the last two had been as far as my behavior and interaction went. However, it was a goal-oriented group, not a free discussion like the last two had been, and I had something to fill out. I remember how bad my handwriting was. I barely scribbled anything down, and I remember John threatening to send me outside group if I couldn’t do better. But I didn’t care. I don’t even remember what I said.

At any rate, neither Roy nor Amy seemed to think they should be hard on me, because of which I stayed in group. I’m still not sure whether John really would have sent me out of group or not. I was too dead then, my memory of that day too dead now, for me to make an honest assessment.

I also know, however, that we introduced ourselves again in the evening. I don’t remember what anyone else said; I barely remember what I said. I just remember we did it, and that I was talking to Musashi a lot more than usual.

When my parents came to see me again that night, I told them I could not possibly stay on this medicine. They said it would be changed. I remember they looked very sympathetic, and told me I looked bad.

It was strange. The day before, this would have been a very special time, a time to beg to leave- that is, it had been. Now it was refreshing to see them, but mostly I just wanted to go to sleep.

They left me early so I could go to bed.

I conked out again as soon as I hit the mattress.

I woke up a few minutes later to take my meds. Now I was on zyprexa.

As I went back to sleep, there was an extreme roaring in my ears.

I found myself outside the mental institution, fully aware that I was dreaming. Only, it wasn’t like a dream. It was vivid- so vivid. I was on a high in which everything was okay, and, best of all, my head had cleared up. Then I realized I was levitating above the ground.

What the heck? I thought. It felt so real. I was so aware- so much more aware not only than when I’d been drugged over, but even so much more aware than I’d felt in my whole life. There was intense joy running through me.

I soared over the building. I noticed that there was a fence around the edge of the top of the building- not the very edge, but about ten feet back from where anyone could jump off of. Pretty high, too.

I felt so free. I soared through the top of the building, and I found that I could pass through the ceiling with no major resistance. It felt exhilarating to fly through it. I skimmed along the inside of the roof, head bobbing up to see a clear blue sky and down to see pipes and dust.

The pipes and dust weren’t pleasing, so I flew past the edge of the building and into the ground, then through the ground. Freedom surged through me. Dirt passed me by. I was on a high. Everything was bright and beautiful.

I soared upward, realizing suddenly that there was no sound. It registered dimly in my mind. Everything was intensely alive.

A thought came in the back of my head, and I looked up to see a woman in a swaying, white silk gown. I looked to the street. The word she had said was, “Proof.”

I could see people passing by out on the street. As I flew by them, one of them pointed at the building, toward the window to the cafeteria, and laughed. I flew inside the building, and saw myself eating there.

I could see the woman in the flowing silk gown. For a moment I nearly woke up. I could feel the dream fading, but then I looked at her, and was absorbed in her beauty. She floated over to me, aware of me while everyone at the table just kept on doing what they were doing.

“Welcome to my realm, Child of the Goddess.” She was without voice; it came as a thought in my mind, only a ball of thought.

Suddenly I recognized her for who she was: the Pagan Goddess.

I woke up with the shock of this, while it was still dark outside, feeling very focused and alert. I did not fall asleep again until the knock for breakfast came on my door.

Was I supposed to become Pagan?

And WHAT THE HELL?